For those of you who are curious where I’ve been for the past week I have a two-word phrase that could possibly negate the necessity of another 700 words “man-cold.” That’s right the sniffling began last Friday, the sneezing and runny nose began the next morning, and before I knew it I had lost an entire week of my life in a time warp coated in festive-colored mucus. White mucus, brown mucus, green mucus and even a little red mucus…just like Rudolph’s nose (wink).
I don’t know if anyone is aware of this but when a grown man gets a cold everything in his life must shut down. Having a cold reminds me that the microbes are really in charge and they could wipe us out whenever they want. I mean, if they can humiliate me with these pathetic symptoms what else can they do? Give me vertigo? Cause anal bleeding? Make me enjoy pop music?
My wife tells me that I’m pathetic when I get a cold, that I can’t do anything for myself, that I’m a baby, a “whiner” but I don’t see it. I mean, I just asked if she could bring me some soup and tea and fluff my pillow and do all my chores and maybe a little laundry I couldn't finish...is that too much to ask?
I wasn’t completely worthless, I mean I worked for as many days as I could, and my co-workers only picked up my slack because they were deathly afraid I would get out of my chair and pass them my germs. I was well meaning, I would even jump out of my chair to do work, but as soon as I did so the cold symptoms would take hold. “Ill get that” I uttered with my congested nasal passages, but as I moved to get up: “…hack, hack, hack, hack, hack, hack….deep breath….hack, hack, hack, hack, hack, hack…loogie hock noise…swallow…hack, hack, hack, hack hack…sniffle, sniffle, nose blow.”
While every cold is different, I think I have found one trait for myself that ‘runs’ consistent from cold to cold and that’s the fact that I seem to always have a single runny nostril! Why is it only one? My favorite move in response to the one pesky nostril is to take a Kleenex, roll it up, and stuff it up there to stop the running. The other day my daughter asked why I did this and I told her it was a ghost I caught trying to fly into my brain. That was a satisfactory answer apparently.
I’ve tried all the drugs both over the counter and behind the counter. That pseudoephederine is good stuff but it still spaces me out pretty bad. Yesterday I took it, went for a neighborhood walk…wound up in Canada. When my wife picked me up I told her I learned some valuable lessons up there. I don’t know what the lessons were because I was so geeked out on pseudoephederine but I think it involved beavers or something.
Finally, for all my female readers who think I’m just anther pathetic man whining about his cold I have a few things to say:
1.There’s a possibility that men actually do suffer worse cold/flu symptoms. If you don’t believe me, this lone doctor (who happens to be a man) got defensive about this subject and got something published in the British Medical Journal. This is a Guardian article about him.
2.Ummm, if you’re still skeptical, this is serious because CNN covered it too ok?
3. I guess I’m not completely over this cold and my wife is out of the house right now and I REALLY don’t want to get up. Is anyone free to come bring me some soup or hot chocolate or something? If not it’s ok, I guess I’ll just rot on this couch until she gets home.