Dear Internet

Dear Internet

Dear Internet,

I know what your thinking, you’re thinking “Who the fuck is J. Thomas Elder, and why did I spend 3 of my precious surfing seconds clicking this far?”  I don’t blame you for your skepticism, in fact if I was you, I wouldn’t know who I was either. Now that you’re here though, I have something very disturbing to tell you about the last 20 years.

Internet, I’ve been watching you!

I’ve been watching your You Tube videos of people sword fighting, vomiting, breaking bones, dislocating joints and of course cats with foil on their paws. I've been reading your articles that look interesting but realizing at the last second (too late) that it says "sponsored" by the link and then having to close my browser because everything is slow now and I feel like someone is watching me. I've learned half of what I know from Wikipedia and I refuse to check and see if it's all been revised because I'm either too scared or too lazy. That’s right, I’ve been watching this train wreck of a media for 20 years but I’ve pretty much refused to interact, refused until now that is.

We all come to various crossroads in our lives, most of you can probably pinpoint a singular moment when your life transformed forever and my hope is that you are witnessing my transformation before your very eyes.  All these years I’ve thought to myself, ‘self you should write a blog! People would read!’ but then a video of a cat doing something adorable would begin and I would forget what was thinking about. 

Growing up in front of a television my role models were great men like, Homer Simpson, Fred Flintstone and Peter Griffin. I figured if I just kept drinking every Friday something wacky was bound to happen. But much to my chagrin, it turns out television doesn't translate into real life experiences. Adam West and Disco Stu don't actually show up at your door in a suit of armor and goldfish platforms and challenge you to a double thumb war. So I figured if I can’t embarrass myself in real life, like the T.V. characters I just mentioned, maybe I can just do it on the internet like a normal fucking person!

Lately I’ve had a bit of an awakening, and in that awakening I’ve realized that I walked out of my 20s with a penchant for the thrilling. If it didn’t involve a case of Busch and chance that a limb could be broken, I wasn’t interested. But now that I'm a Dad with a mortgage, I’ve realized that what was missing in my life was a hobby that I found fulfilling, and that’s where you, the reader, come in.  In my recent awakening process I’ve come to the realization that I just can’t keep taking from mother Internet…It’s time to give back.

People still blog right?

Did I just date myself with that question?

So you’re probably going through this website wondering what this thing is all about. Let’s start with the title. I'm not going to say that I'm on the toilet toilet right now but, there's a very good chance if you read something I've written the toilet was involved somehow. As in, I was either on the toilet when I got this idea and now I'm here writing it or I'm drinking coffee and about to go find a toilet or I'm just on the fucking toilet right now! I’m not a religious person, but the toilet is sort of my Virgin Mary shrine, Rosetta Stone, Oracle of Delphi, and Meditation cave all rolled into one. Yes, I have baptized my children in it.

Some of you might also be wondering why this blog has sketches of squirrels everywhere. Well there’s a couple reasons for that, The first one is that they symbolize fun and “not taking life too seriously”…seriously though, this is the first thing that comes up when you Google “What do squirrels represent?”…seriously: (http://www.whats-your-sign.com/animal-symbolism-squirrel.html).

Also, they’re just easy to draw.

The second reason is that…I see squirrels everywhere! They’re in my back yard, on my break at work, while I’m on the toilet and yes sometimes splattered across the road.  When I was in my early 20’s I used to get stoned and talk to them to entertain my room-mates and in response they would crawl up onto my shoulders and whisper directions into my ear. "What's that? Yes, I actually would love to hear about an exclusive business opportunity."

I like to think of the squirrel as my alter ego, spirit anima,l and most appropriate all around mascot. I live in a wooded area and critters play a big role in my life. To be truthful Squirrels aren't even the animal I see the most in my neighborhood, if I went that route my blog character would probably be a deer or a pretty gnarly spider. I tried combining these two animals into one, but somehow a deer with 8 eyes that freezes when you flash headlights at it and shits out little piles of silk in your garden just didn't seem like something I could make work.

So, hmmm, how to finish this intro without being too much of an Internet cliché? I'll spare you the political meme that offends half of you and write "I believe this!" I'll avoid chemtrails ,the Illuminati, flat earth theory, and I won't even touch the Berenst(E)ain Bears! I’ll resist the urge to be too bold and thus giving the impression that I’m trying too hard (although I may have given that off already). I guess the only way to end this is to ask you, the reader, to kindly give me a chance. What else are you going to do with the next 10 minutes Internet?

Oh, right…forget that I asked that.

 

Sincerely,

J. Thomas Elder

Halloween in the Latrine

Halloween in the Latrine