Are you a 'Reader?'

Are you a 'Reader?'

I’ve been going around in circles trying to settle on a topic to write on.  When you create a mushy eulogy about a world-famous, demographic-transcending celebrity, especially at the height of the world’s state of mourning, it can be easy to fool yourself into thinking that you've just grabbed a huge audience that will re-visit you every week. While that sounds nice, and I’m sure it’s possible some day, I think I need to face up to a different reality...a reality that, given the unwritten laws of the internet, nearly assures me this will be a much less popular post than what I wrote last time. And that's fine because in all my ruminating about this post I keep coming back to a fact that I knew when I started this freaking thing in the first place. A fact that any blogger in 2018 must face up to if they truly want to look themselves in the mirror and have a realistic idea of what they are doing with their time.

NO ONE READS ANYMORE!

Now I’m sure you’re saying to yourself, “What is this rodent doodling moron talking about? I’m reading his shit right now! Is he about to give me a backhanded compliment?” Well reader, you’re right to be suspicious cuz here comes the backhand! Given that you’ve read this far in the first place, you’re either an exception to the rule or you’re someone who knows me personally and either way that makes you a statistical anomaly. 

NO ONE READS ANYMORE!!!

That’s right, If you’ve read this far congratulations you’re a “reader” in this modern age of 5 second attention spans.  I see it when I look at my blog activity, an I.P. address will show up (If you’ve read to this point it likely wasn’t yours), be on my page for 5 seconds, a minute, maybe a minute thirty and they’re done. 

This complaint that ‘no one reads anymore’ isn’t new of course, I feel like ever since I learned the centuries old craft of reading I’ve heard adults complaining about this reality. Maybe I’m just reaching the age where I’m supposed to adopt that outlook. It’s really an ‘old-timey,’ multi-generational complaint, like saying the youth are lazy [sigh], have short attention spans [sigh], and are too quick to overreact [sigh].

“NO ONE READS ANYMORE!”

My teachers would say, right before popping in a video and falling asleep at their desk. 

“NO ONE READS ANYMORE!”

My mom would say right before falling asleep on the couch with a Perry Mason rerun on, freeing me up to put down what I was pretending to read and watch whatever I wanted to watch. 

“NO ONE READS ANYMORE!”

I’m saying to you…right now in a paragraph you’re probably not even reading because you've fallen asleep...or maybe found this post to be too long and condescending. That’s right, I know that you’ve gone looking for a ‘real’ internet article, maybe one with a video imbedded in it (you know, to break up all that pesky reading).

I mean, how far back does this go? Did the Egyptians complain about this? Did they say “These youngsters don’t read hieroglyphs anymore! They have no idea what it means to worship the sun, or force slaves to make these pointless buildings, or walk with our arms all ‘zig-zaggy’ for some reason.”

Did Gutenburg complain about this? Did he say, “I realize that before I invented the printing press  almost everyone was Illiterate, but I gotta be honest…[sigh] I thought they would be soooooo much less illiterate than this by now.”

I’d love to think that you all are still reading this, but I know better, you’ve left this blogpost to pursue other interests, check a feed of some sort, or maybe do something in the real world (although that one is unlikely), because you’re probably tired of seeing me write the words: 

NO ONE READS ANYORE!

So the question now, is how do I end a post like this? Considering that only a couple of you will actually read to this point anyway. How could I convey the lack of interest people have in even a small volume of reading? Got it, here’s a small anecdote for ya:

I was due for a new laptop so I went out and bought this one, and when I opened the package instead of a manual it came with ‘setup instructions’ they don’t even want to call it a manual for fear of losing the audience.  These instructions consisted of a one page flier with step by step numbers and diagrams which included as minimal writing as possible.  The writing they did offer was a bunch of legal disclaimers at the bottom provided in .05” font that I’m pretty sure say something about how Bill Gates owns a quarter of all my assets now, but you know, I can’t really say for sure what it said…wanna know why?

Psst…because I didn’t read it.

Morning Melee

Morning Melee

Goodbye Tony

Goodbye Tony